Revised Paragraph

Original:

One of the main reasons why this topic is such a large controversy is because parents are worried about the effects violent video games has on their own children or their children’s friends. Gamers, usually preteens and teens, are directly affected after playing a violent video game. Although the behavior change is small, it is still prevalent. Furthermore, psychologists are researching and performing many experiments to see if there is any correlation between aggressive behavior and video games.

On another note, President Obama recently began funding research to learn more about the impact of violent video games. This also includes executive orders to focus the research on gun violence. The debate about violent video games resurfaced after the school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut. In his speech President Obama stated, “I will direct the Centers of Disease Control to go ahead and study the best ways to reduce it- and Congress should fund research into the effects that violent video games have on young minds. We don’t benefit from ignorance. We don’t benefit from not knowing the science of this epidemic of violence.” There are many people involved in this topic while a large majority is being directly affected.

Revised: 

This topic is a huge controversy for many reasons, however, one of the largest concerns comes from parents worrying about how violent video games are effecting their children and their children’s’ peers. Those who engage in these games, usually preteens and teens are directly affected after playing a violent game. Although research shows the behavior change is small, it is still prevalent. Furthermore, psychologists are researching and conducting many experiments to observe if there is any correlation between aggressive behavior and video games.

            Recently, President Obama began funding research in order to learn more about the impact of violent video games on users. In addition, this research follows executive orders to investigate gun violence. The debate concerning violent video games resurfaced after the school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut on December 14^th, 2012 where twenty children and six adults were shot. In his speech discussing his decision to fund this research, President Obama stated, “I will direct the Centers of Disease Control to go ahead and study the best ways to reduce it-and Congress should fun research into the effects that violent video games have on young minds. We don’t benefit from ignorance. We don’t benefit from not knowing the science of this epidemic of violence.” Large majorities of the people in the United States are being directly affected by this topic.

What I Changed and Why:

-First I changed the opening sentence because it was very confusing, it was too wordy, it was passive, and it didn't clearly explain what I was going to discuss

-I reworded the second sentence to make it flow better 

-I added a few more words to the third sentence in order to make sure the reader knew what I was exactly explaining 

-The only thing I changed in the last sentence of the first paragraph was the word "performing" to "conducting" because when one does not "perform" an experiment.

-I reorganized the first sentence in order to make it active. This also helped the flow of the sentence

-I shortened the second sentence to make it easier to understand rather than having a long, run on sentence.

-In the third sentence, I added more information about the Connecticut shooting rather than just assuming the reader knew everything about it.

-Last, I changed the last sentence because the original sentence sounded elementary